Clarity
by Zero to Hero
Summary: Emma Approved Universe. After Boxx, Alex is suddenly aware of his place with Emma Woodhouse and Emma Approved.


A/N: So I haven't written anything in…ages. But I was inspired by my love for Emma and Knightley to put a little something on the page. I wrote this in parts well before the Boxx Hill arc started, and I published this on Tumblr before episode 66 premiered. This has been a bit canon balled, but what if Alex showed up to say goodbye when Emma was apologizing to Maddy? So this is my angst answer to that question.

Disclaimer: All characters to Jane Austen and Bernie Su and the Emma Approved team. I just got bored one day and brought you this.

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**Clarity**

"_I wish I could forget about it. I would love to forget about it. But unfortunately for us, I can't."_

"_Alex, you are being so unreasonable right now. It's over. It's done."_

"_Yeah, badly done, Emma."_

The recoil from the speed bump caught Alex by surprise. He sucked in a sharp breath. He didn't realize he had already made it to the office.

"_Look, if this is the way that you make the world better I don't want to be apart of it."_

"_Where are you going?"_

"_I'm leaving."_

"_When are you coming back?"_

"_Maybe never."_

He parked and ran a hand over his face. It had been a week since he'd been in the office, but it felt like it had only been hours.

The first day he could barely see straight. He had been so disappointed in her. Her behavior at Boxx was sickening. He didn't think she was capable of being so cruel. Emma Woodhouse could be vain and often petty and shallow, but her head usually followed her good heart. He could never have imagined the Emma Woodhouse he knew, the Emma he grew up with, the Emma he _loved_ could humiliate Maddy so easily, and defend her actions as being good for the business.

"_Oh, that's right. I believe most people were horrified. It was just you and Frank that were laughing."_

But that was it. She wasn't his Emma anymore.

The Emma he saw at Boxx wasn't the Emma he knew. She'd been influenced enough by Frank Churchill that he wondered if this was the woman she was all along.

The dull ache in his chest returned as he climbed out of the car. The twisting of his stomach quickly joined it. He shoved his hands in his pockets and went in.

He heard Harriet's voice from down the hallway. She nearly dropped the phone when he stuck his head in her office.

She quickly wrapped up the call, but not before he noticed how comfortable she looked. Her desk was covered with binders, but she looked and sounded composed. He couldn't help smiling – Harriet had come a long way. _Maybe Emma did some good there._ The ache in his chest stopped for a moment.

Harriet "Oh, Mr. Knightley—I mean, Alex. I didn't realize you were coming in today. Or ever."

Her voice trailed off at the last words, but he heard them. Blushing, he asked if Emma was available.

"Uh, not right now. She said that she had someone important to meet with and not to disturb her."

Another sharp pain ripped through him. He had a guess who that important someone could be. _Not to disturb her_. An image of Frank and Emma sitting in her office flashed before him – Emma and Frank doing hip-hop poses; Emma talking to Frank about Maddy's jams; Frank tasting jam off Emma's finger; Emma's happy laughter filling the office as her whole being seemed to light up from the simple gesture.

_Frank Churchill_.

"Though, for you…I can tell her. She'd want—"

He put a hand up. "No need. I need to do some stuff in my office anyways." He stopped mid-turn. "Harriet, how've you been? I'm sorry I didn't return your call."

She tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. "It's ok."

"No, it's not." He sighed. "I shouldn't have left you all alone." He heard from Maddy that Jane had quit, though it had been easy enough to infer from Jane's verbal throw down with Emma. "Though you're taking good care of the ship."

"Ship?"

"Office. Business. I'm impressed."

She jumped a bit and looked down at her work. "Oh, well, you know… I'm just doing my best. Hell yeah!" Her eyes widened as she turned bright red. "Uh, right. I'm not alone. I have Emma."

"She's okay, then?"

Harriet smiled. "Yeah, she is. Not _quite_ herself, but a definite improvement over the past few days."

"I'm sure that you had a lot to do with it," Alex said. _Certainly nothing to do with me._

He thought of his purpose for coming in. "I'm glad Emma has you, Harriet."

She smiled.

"I'm going to be in my office for a bit. Don't tell Emma I'm here."

"Oh-okay."

His office was just as he'd left it Thursday. He made quick work of picking up the few personal items he had. Emma had decorated the space for him, and he'd humored her by staying out of the whole business, even though he would have been more comfortable doing it himself, only giving a few stern vetoes (seriously, what would he do with an old, broken typewriter? He didn't care if it "tied the room together with a meeting of new and old," the stupid thing took up valuable counter space. He didn't even want to think about the weird old sportster steering wheel she wanted to mount on the wall).

He tried to ignore the fact that his hands were shaking.

He checked the time on his phone. He wanted to get on the road soon, though he supposed it didn't matter when he left. He'd just spoken to John the day before, and he was too busy making other necessarily calls to clarify when he would be reaching his brother's house. Frowning, he fought the urge to check Emma's twitter…or Frank's.

He heard Emma's voice. It didn't matter what he was doing or how many people were around – he always picked up her voice. He was surprised that another female voice joined hers.

Maddy spotted him first. "Alex Knightley, is that you hiding in your office?" She quickly gave him a hug.

Emma's eyes snapped to his before she dropped them to the floor.

"Uh, hi, Maddy."

"Oh, it is my lucky day. To get to see two of my favorite people!" She gave his cheek a small pinch.

A nervous chuckle escaped him. "How's Jane?" he asked. He meant to be polite, but he quickly regretted the question. Emma seemed to shrink away from them.

"Oh, she's doing a bit better. She's been a bit under the weather, poor thing."

"I'm sorry to hear that," Emma said in a small voice.

Maddy touched Emma's shoulder. "Oh, thank you, Emma. But you know Jane - that doesn't let her down for long. She had a cold earlier this year. I told you that. Do you remember me telling you that? But she still ran the Surrey marathon. Set a personal best, you know. I don't know how she does it. I told Mama, 'Mama! Jane shouldn't be running in that awful English weather with a cold.' But Jane said that she had made a commitment and she was going to see it through."

"I believe it. Jane's integrity and work ethnic is something to be admired."

"Oh, thank you, Emma. And thank you for the tarts. Jane loves Annie's tarts, and I'm sure you did them justice."

Alex raised his eyebrows. _Emma __**baked?**_

She squirmed, still resolutely avoiding his eyes. "I doubt that. Annie's practically a legend."

"Well, you are quite the legend yourself, Emma Woodhouse."

Alex swallowed. From anyone else the words would be laced with double meaning and the intention to cut, but although Maddy was verbose her honestly was unwavering.

"Well, I hate to leave, but I need to be going. Emma, lunch next week? I think that will be the perfect time to discuss financial planning. Mix a little business with pleasure. You know what they say about all work and no play."

Alex couldn't stop the smile that broke across his face, and for a moment the guilt, anger, and pain flooded out of his body, replaced by fierce pride. Emma turned her eyes away from Maddy and finally looked at him. Her breath caught for a moment. She gave him a shy smile, and it took all his will power to stop from taking her in his arms.

"Say hello to your father for me, Emma."

"I will."

"Oh, Miss Woodhouse, it was so good to see you today." Maddy turned to Alex. "You too, my adorable Mr. Knightley."

"I'll walk you out, Maddy," Emma said.

"Oh, know, my dear. I've kept you long enough, and I know the way just fine." She gave Emma one last hug before heading out of the office, leaving Emma and Alex alone in the hallway.

He looked her over for the first time. Emma looked less polished then normal in a simple dress and a loose bun (and she was wearing flats?!). Her make-up was so light he could see her freckles.

She looked beautiful.

She always did. He'd never admit it to her, but he preferred her this way. All that "Emma Approved" shimmer was pealed away, and she was just Emma.

It hurt to look at her.

"I didn't think you'd be in today." Her voice was steady but quiet. She was avoiding eye contact again, and he knew what she'd left unsaid. _Or ever again._

"I wanted to give you something." He raced back to his office and nearly ran her over as she followed him in. He took a deep breath and focused all his energy in stopping the tremors in his hands. "This."

She took the slim file from him. "What is this?"

"Résumés."

Her eyes shot up to his.

"For my replacement."

"Oh. I—uh, didn't – we never discussed—." She frowned. "You posted a position without talking to me first?"

Her tone was sharp and he welcomed it. He could handle Emma when she fought. He didn't know if he could do what needed to be done if she was crying. "No. They're from some guys I knew from business school and various conferences. All are well qualified with strong financial backgrounds."

He didn't tell her that he's already eliminated males who he knew would be more interested in _her_ than in the job. Even after the Elton incident, Emma didn't truly realize her affect on the opposite sex. Sure, she loved clothes and always looked nice, but it was natural for her. Her pride came from her work, not her appearance, and she expected admiration and respect to come from her intelligence and success.

It was one of the things that he loved and admired about her. It also worried him the most. He wouldn't be able to protect her anymore.

_That's Frank Churchill's job now._

He waved his hand. "They're just suggestions. I've got them saved and emailed to you as well. Books are up to date and my desk is in order. I can come back into town after you've made your decision if you'd like so I can train my replacement."

"Come back into town?" Her voice dropped to barely above a whisper. "Where are you going?"

"That was the other reason I wanted to come in today. I'm going to stay with John and Izzy for a while." He watched her face drop and cloud over. "Is there anything you need me to take up there?"

"When are you going?"

He checked his watch on reflex. It didn't matter what time he left, at least not to John and Izzy, but he feared his resolve wouldn't last much longer. "I need to be getting on the road in about five minutes."

"Today? When were you planning on telling me you were leaving town?"

"I'm telling you now."

She looked away and sat down. "John and Izzy will be happy to see you."

He leaned back in the chair. He should still be mad at her, but being close to her he found there wasn't any anger left. It had all burned, leaving only a flicker of disappointment. Anger, however, had left heartbreak in its wake. He felt like he was drowning, struggling for breath and for words. "Yeah. It will be nice," he said lamely. "John also wanted me to look over things with the restaurant expansion."

"Oh. So you'll be back after that is finished?"

"I'm, uh, actually talking to a guy from school about a job. Upstart company. Finance firm, so lots of paper and boring stuff."

She shook her head. "So not this."

He gave her a small smile. "It's just time for a change."

She nodded.

"Emma, you'll be fine without me. All this is you, after all." He winked at her, and regretted it immediately. She looked close to tears.

Harriet's voice made them both jump. Emma sat up immediately and called her in.

Harriet's eyes moved back and forth between the two, clearly trying to see if she needed to leave. "Oh, sorry! I saw Maddy had left and I thought you were free."

"It's alright, Harriet. I need to get going anyways."

"Oh! Well, it was good to see you, Alex."

She sounded a bit funny, but he turned his attention back to Emma. "So if you have any questions, just let me know." He stood up and grabbed the small box of possessions.

She bounded up, landing closer than he expected. "I can carry that for you!"

He quickly took a step back. Distance. He needed distance. "Emma, I can carry a box just fine. It's pretty light anyways. I didn't really have much here, you know."

Her face fell at that. He needed to go before he put his foot in his mouth even more.

"Than I'll open the door for you."

"Emma, it's ok. Harriet can—" he trailed off, realizing that the other girl had left already. "I can handle it."

"Alex, _please._"

He stared at her. He wanted to remember every curve, every line, every freckle. Everything that was Emma. The Emma he knew. _His Emma._

Frank Churchill's face once again blurred his vision. He'd looked at the pictures from Boxx what felt like hundreds of times. The way Frank looked at her. The way she looked at _him._ He wanted to look at her like that. He wanted to be able to show her how much he loved and admired her. It was too much to even say it, but to be able to _show_ her…

_No._

But it had become harder and harder for him to refuse her. He'd often humored her when they were younger but he had had a limit. He seemed to be the only one who could deny Emma her whims. _And what right do you have to do that?_

She walked him out to the parking lot. They didn't say anything. He couldn't look at her. Every time he did he felt his resolve fading. _She's not yours. She wants Frank Churchill, not you_. That match made sense.

He put the box in the trunk with the rest of his things for John and Izzy's. He steeled himself to leave her and to leave whatever hope he had once had for them.

"Well, this is everything from the office. I'll probably be busy with John, but if you need me you can call Izzy."

She nodded.

"Well –" He stopped as their phones buzzed simultaneously. "New email from Maddy." He looked at the subject. "Inspirational quote of the day."

"More beautiful than all the stars that shine is the heart of a loving friend." Emma shook her head. "She shouldn't have sent this. I'm not a good friend. Not to Maddy, Jane, Harriet, even Annie."

"But you can be. You will be. You_ are, _Emma. You care. You care so much. You just—"

She looked at him with an expression he couldn't place. _Frank_, he reminded himself.

What hope did he ever have? She was falling apart because of him. Some of that was deserved, but what had he done for her to deserve her? He'd rarely complimented her. He lectured her and scolded her. She constantly associated him with boring numbers. She wrote that a night with him would be filed with "budget analysis and stories about rocks." What woman on Earth would want that for the rest of her life?

He leaned in to kiss her on the cheek (or maybe her lips), and she closed her eyes. He stopped mere inches from her face. He pulled back and held out his hand. "Goodbye, Emma Woodhouse."

Her eyes fluttered open. She gave him a weak handshake. "Goodbye, Alex Knightley."

He took one last look at her. He would become indifferent. He could master this wild, strange, miserable feeling.

He wasn't good enough for her.

She wanted Frank Churchill.

He climbed into the car and without another glance, he left.


End file.
